Rybářské vtipy

Rybářské vtipy

Říká se, že rybáři jsou tišší blázni. Možná proto jsou tak oblíbené vtipy o rybářích. Zde jsou ty nejlepší anekdoty o rybářích

 


Miláčku
„Jak můžeš jít na ryby, když se chci s Tebou hádat?!" „Tak začni, miláčku, já jsem za dvě hodinky zpět!"

 

Obžalovaný
"Obžalovaný, přiznáváte tedy, že jste v inkriminovaný večer bez povolenky chytil 28 ryb?"
"Ano, pane soudce, ale mohl byste mi dát kopii protokolu, aby mi to kluci v hospodě věřili?"

Štika na lipně
„Už jsem vám vyprávěl o té štice, co jsem chytil na Lipně?" ptá se rybář spolupracovníka.
„Dokonce už dvakrát," povídá známý. „A co, pořád roste?"

Co jsi včera ulovil
„Tak co jsi včera ulovil?" vyzvídá na mladém rybáři starý.
„Pěknou osmnáctku, dědo."

Kolik ryb jsem chytil
„Podívej, kolik ryb jsem chytil!" chlubí se své manželce rybář
„Nekecej," zpražila ho vševědoucí manželka, „sousedka tě viděla vycházet z rybárny!"
„To je pravda," pohotově odvětí jí muž. „Prodal jsem jim přebytky, protože jsem je nemohl unést!"

Internet
Sedí rybář u počítače a na internetu si střídavě přepíná stránky. Sex-rybařina, sex-rybařina a pořád dokola. Přistihla jej u toho manželka a povídá. Nech tam ten sex, ryby chytat umíš.

Díry v ledu
Jde rybář na dírky. Vyseká díru do ledu, nahodí prut a sedne si. Po chvíli se mu ozve: „Tady nic nechytíš." Rybář jde o kus dál, vyseká díru do ledu a zase se mu ozve: „ Tady nic nechytíš." Pak se to opakuje ještě jednou a rybář vykřikne: „Kdo mi do toho furt kecá?" A opatrně se mu ozve hlas:"To jsem já správce zimního stadionu.

Síť
Rybce se konečně podařilo dostat ven z rybářské sítě. Z posledních sil doplavala pod kámen, zapnula mobil a zděšeně čte: „Vítejte zpátky v síti..."

Pohřební průvod
Dva kamarádi loví ryby. Najednou jde kolem řeky pohřební průvod. Jeden z rybářů se postaví, smekne čepici a tiše se modlí. „Ty jsi ale opravdu citlivej," obdivuje ho druhý. „To víš, byl jsem se ženou 30 let."

Stáří ryby podle odborníka
Ptají se odborníka: „ Jak určíte věk ryby?"
On odpoví:" Podle očí. Cože? Čím dál jsou od ocasu, tím je ryba starší."

Zlatá rybka
Žadoní zlatá rybka: „Pusť mě zpátky do vody, splním ti tři přání." Rybář odsekne: "Seru na tebe, zlatá rybko, já jsem kouzelný dědeček.''

Nervózní
Proč jsi nervózní?
Protože chytám ryby.
Ale já jsem slyšel, že to uspokojuje. To ano, ale ne bez rybářského lístku.

Vánoce
Ptá se jeden kapr druhého „Věříš na život po Vánocích?".

Tři rybáři
Baví se tři rybáři o tom, jaké úlovky kdo chytil:
První povídá: „Já jsem chytil tříkilového kapra."
Druhý odpovídá: „Nic, moc já pětikilovou štiku."
Třetí: „To nic není, já chytil dvacetikilového sumce"
A ten první říká: „Že já blbec vždycky začínám první."

Oči
Víte, jaký má kapr oči? No přeci vodotěsný.

Bačkory
U vody: „Co tady děláte? „Jak vidíte, lovím..." „A chytil jste už něco?" „Pravou bačkoru, levá zatím nezabrala..."

Tchýně a rybář
Rybář chytí zlatou rybku a ta říká: „Jsem kouzelná zlatá rybka. Splním ti, cokoliv si budeš přát, ale tvé tchýni to splním dvakrát." Nejdřív si rybář přeje dům. Má dům. Jeho tchýně má dva domy. Pak si přeje auto. Má auto. Jeho tchýně má dvě auta. A nakonec řekne: „Chci mít čtyřicítky horečky."

Hulič
Hulič trávy chytne zlatou rybku. Rybka: „Pusť mě a splním ti tři přání." Hulič: „OK, ubal mi jointa!" Rybka ubalí, hulič vyhulí. Rybka: „Druhé přání?" Hulič: „Ubal mi ještě jednoho!" Rybka ubalí, hulič vyhulí. Rybka: „A poslední přání?" Hulič: „Ubal mi i sobě!" Rybka ubalí, spolu si zahulí. Druhý den přijde hulič zase chytat ryby a z vody na něj volá zlatá rybka: „Ani nerozbaluj pruty, už jsem ubalila!

Rozdíl
Jaký je rozdíl mezi rybářem a prostitutkou? Prostitutka se bojí, aby něco nechytla.

Přání rybáře
Sedí rybář na břehu, chytá ryby a popíjí pivo. V tom uloví kouzelnou zlatou rybku.
A ta ho prosí o puštění zpět: „ Pustíš-li mne, splním ti tři přání. „
Rybář kouká a přemýšlí: „Dobrá tedy, tady máš svobodu."
Rybka hned odvětí: „Tvé první přání?" Rybář povídá: „ Ať je polovina rybníka plná Plzně."
Ochutná a opravdu je místo vody Plzeň.
Rybka na to: „A tvé druhé přání?"
Rybář povídá: „Ať je druhá polovina rybníka Radegast."
Ochutná, opravdu výborný Radegast.
Rybka: „A co tvé třetí přání?"
Rybář dlouze zapřemýšlí a nakonec vyhrkne: „Tak dej ještě šest lahváčů."

Žížaly
Sedí dva kamarádi u vody a jeden z nich chytl velkou rybu. Druhý se ho ptá, na co ji chytil. A on říká na žížalu tlustou jako palec. A kde si ji nabral? No já jsem strčil elektrický kabel do země a lezla jak divá. Zítra se vidí zas a ten jeden zase žížaly tlusté jako palce a ten druhý měl monokl.
„Franto co se ti stalo?"
No já jsem přestřihl elektrické vedení na sloupu místo kabelu z domu strčil to do země a vylezl horník a zmlátil mě.

Dovolená
Rodina se vypravuje na dovolenou. Manželka hlásí: „Auto je naloženo, ale nyní kvůli tvému rybářskému harampádí není ve voze místo pro děti." Manžel jen ustaraně pokývá hlavou. „Nechala si jim doma dost jídla?"

Poctivé ryby
Ryby jsou poctivé: Neberou a neberou.

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